I want to disable my "love" needs
I'm really tired of my current situation regarding my "love" needs. Seeing all my friends and family with couples or just "casual" relationships, and falling in love and all that stuff, makes me feel really bad. Being exposed to such stuff online through social media doesn't help either.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing on stuff, since I know for a fact I am missing on stuff, mainly because I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, both physically and mentally. I'm the kind of guy that won't approach anyone because of fear of rejection, or because I feel like I'm not good enough for them.
My self-esteem is not as bad as a few years back, but now it's more of "objective" facts rather than how I perceive myself. I'm straight up ugly, and I'm not that interesting either. When I try to put myself on other people's shoes, I can't see why anyone would want to be with me, and that's why I don't approach anyone, because I'm not worth their time.
I'm tired of feeling like this, and I want to disable my "love" needs. Back in the day, when I started with escitalopram (an SSRI), I had the side effect of not feeling any "love" or sexual needs, and without knowing it, I thought of the possibility of being asexual instead of just a side effect of the medication. It was not the best feeling in the world, but I'd rather feel nothing than feel bad.
Sadly, now I'm back on the pills, but they don't produce such effect anymore. I'm tired of feeling like this, and I want to disable my "love" needs. I just want the sensation of not needing anyone "that way", so I can focus on living my own life instead of thinking "wow, I really want this" and then feeling bad because I know I can't have it.