Guess who's back... back again
I'm back! I've been away for a while, but I'm back now. Life's been not-so-great since my last post back in august. I still feel the same way regarding love, especially with all the valentine's day crap coming next week. I see family, friends and even coworkers in relationships (or getting into them) while I think about the siesta I'll sleep next friday after work, before going to therapy.
I felt like I was "better" especially in january, but perhaps I'm rebounding, at least a bit, because life fucking sucks. So today I'm gonna rant for a bit in here, not because I can't in real life, but as a reminder for my future self that life sucks in 2025.
Work
I'm still at the same job I was in august, but I'm not happy. It's some sort of "back and forth" because I sometimes like my job, but other times I would just want to go home and sleep, not because I'm tired but because I hate it there. I hate waking up early, going into the office and sitting on a lab without windows just looking at a screen for 8 hours.
I hate that I'm not building any sort of relevant thing, because my company does tourism advertising, and I'm just a developer. I'm not learning new skills, or applying new technology to solve problems, or innovating in any way. Just reinventing the wheel with tech I don't even like. I just fix stuff, tell my bosses to check it, and when they decide to, they check it and tell me to change stuff. I'm not even sure if I'm doing a good job, because I don't get any kind of encouragement or feedback, just "change this" or "this is broken".
Switching jobs is also tricky, because I can either become a sole trader and work as a freelancer, or get a job at a company. Becoming a freelancer is risky, because I don't have a lot of experience, and I don't have a lot of contacts; and I live in cheapskate-land Spain, where people don't want to pay for quality work.
Getting a job at a company is also risky, because I don't know if I'll like it there, or if I'll be able to do the job. It's hard even to get past the "door" of a human checking my CV, because you are expected to submit it via LinkedIn or similar platforms, that have algorithms filtering out people like me. So many times, not even a human sees my CV, and I'm just left in the dark. Literally in the dark. Because many times, I don't even get a rejection email or any sort of reply, just silence.
Love
I'm still single, and I still feel the same way I did in august. Difference is I do know I want a relationship, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for one, because of my situation. I'm almost-completely sure nobody would want to be with me, because I'm ugly, and I'm not capable of putting myself out there and asking someone out, because I'm a coward; and also feel like I'd be a "creep" or a "weirdo". I don't want to look like that kind of people who disturb others in the street and find that kind of behaviour disgusting. Kind of feel like I'm the second guy in this meme:
Lastly, I don't feel ready for relationship stuff like making out or adult stuff because I fucking hate my body. I'm fat, and I'm not capable of losing weight. I don't like taking out my t-shirt in front of anyone, because then my big, fat, ugly body is exposed.
Sometimes I even wonder if I should break something or get some illness, so I can be in a hospital for a few days or weeks, and I lose a lot of weight. I know it's a stupid idea, but being forced into a diet and exercise routine would be the only way I'd lose weight, at least enough to then be able to kick-start the process and then keep going.
Body
I'm still fat, and I still hate my body. I'm not capable of losing weight, because I'm a lazy piece of shit. I have started going back to the gym, at least twice a week to do weight exercises, so that's good I guess. Probably not enough to get into a "caloric deficit", since I feel hungry more often, and eat more, thus reducing the effect of the accelerated metabolism.
I also dislike being a man, since I don't feel like I have much of a choice in appearance. I mean, women get to paint their nails, dye their hair, or have multiple piercings and tattoos. The fact is, men doing any of that stuff are seen as "punks", or "weirdos" or even "gay", and might even be phyiscally attacked by extremist people, or at least judged or insulted by others. Yesterday I bought a bottle of nail polish, and painted my nails black. I didn't dare go out with them like that, but they did look good, or at least "different" which was nice; especially since I use my fingers all day while typing on a keyboard, or using my phone.
But hey, you're a man. You're expected to be "manly", and not show any sort of "feminine" behaviour, because apparently putting some colour on the hard tips of your fingers is "feminine". I don't get it, but I guess that's how society works. I do hate, more every day, being called a "man", because of all the connotations of "strong, independent, emotionless, etc." that come with it. Or even the bad ones, like "violent, predator, etc." that come with it. I don't want to transition either, because I don't feel like a woman, but I don't feel like a "male" in the traditional sense either. I just feel like a "human", and I wish people would see me as that, and not as a "MAN".
Conclusion
I'm not happy, and I don't know if I'll ever be. I'm not sure if I'll ever find love, or a job I like, or a body I like. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to be myself, or if I'll have to keep pretending to be someone I'm not. Sometimes I even feel ashamed of being myself, and I wish I could just be someone else, or be able to start over. Just skip town, cut ties with everyone, and start over in a new place, changing physically and presenting myself as the person I want to be, not the person I have been all my life and where I feel "boxed in": the ugly weirdo who hates his job, will be forever alone and dresses in cheap sweatpants and hoodies.